I am stepping down from the mount, offering the 10 polyamory commandments at Poly Palooza. Last year I actually brought tablets, this year, I brought San Diego’s secret weapon, Daniel to the stage to have a deeper discussion.
Reid Mihalko: All hail! She’s got the commandments from the slutdom.
Kamala Devi: I love that. Yes! This is a revolutionary takeover of old religious indoctrination. So, how many of you have read the bible’s commandments? “Don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, and there’s something in there about an ox. “Thou shalt not covet another man’s wife?”
That shit is not only outdated, but who wants to subscribe to a jealous God? Have you ever stopped to think about what affect a Jealous God has on our psychology? What would the world look like if the predominant social attitudes towards sex and relationship were not rooted in possession and control?
So, I asked myself, what would I want my lovers, clients and students to agree to? After much meditation this is what I came up with. That does not mean I am perfect. No. In fact, I have violated most of these within the last year. I am humbled and honored to have the community see me fuck up– so they can learn from my mistakes.
The New 10 Commandments for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy:
- Know thyself, Take responsibilities for ones own feelings and needs.
- Tell the Truth, without minimizing or exaggerating.
- Leave thy lovers better than you found them.
- Strive to share and take pleasure in other’s pleasure.
- Seek win-win solutions and Agreements.
- Thou shalt not compare, assume or project ones own judgements.
- Only add relationships that enhance previously existing ones.
- Be congruent with thy YES and thy NO and communicate all changes.
- Surround thyself with a supportive social network!
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Celebrate consensual sex as healthy, natural and fun!
During Daniel’s talk, we discussed a number of these rules in detail. The Following commentary is transcribed from Part 2 of his talk: “How not to get Fucked up in Relationship.”
Daniel: These are kind of aspirational ideals. And like all aspirational ideals – like KD said – there’s a gap between where you are and where you want to go. It will last forever, because however far you get, you can see further. So you can use this as a basis to never feel like enough and to always criticize yourself for where you aren’t yet. Or you can use it as a basis to be excited about new potential, while accepting where you’re at. And it’s really important to not get fucked up by your ideal by pretending you’re further along than you are and requiring yourself to already be there and pushing yourself beyond your bandwidth. Because pushing yourself beyond your bandwidth doesn’t work well for anybody. So there’s a balance of accepting where you are and aspiring, (with some realism about your bandwidth) and what it takes and about how excited you are to become a master pianist, you’re just not going to get there in a year.
1. Know thyself, Take responsibilities for ones own feelings and needs.
Daniel: Learn about who you are. Learn how to actually know who you are and broadcast who you are so people can know that. And then you aren’t stuck in feeling like you don’t know how to communicate who you are powerfully or positively. Don’t just figure out who you want to be with, but who you really want to be and live it bigger. Because you living who you want to be bigger is what will attract the right kind of people to you.
So as you work on knowing who you are and being more okay with who you are, and feeling good about the unique creature that you are – and the unique creature that you are is not the good things of a lot of other people. In fact, every other person has good qualities that you don’t have. And there are uniqueness’s about who you are that no other person in the world has. And embracing this uniqueness says, “If I don’t offer who I am to the world, it just won’t exist in the universe. Because nobody else will make up the difference. Because I have something unique to offer.”
I have a friend, Marc Gafni, who wrote a book called Unique Self. He has a brilliant teachings that are worth studying and embracing. So as you embrace your idiosyncrasies and quirks, you know that there’s a unique offering of it, and when you really get that uniqueness, it totally changes the competition because you can only compete on the same metrics. But when I’m totally unique, and so are you, there’s no fucking competition that’s even possible for that whole package. And so I would offer that there’s a difference between introversion typologically and shyness that comes from insecurity of not having embraced that as fully as you can.
2. Tell the Truth, without minimizing or exaggerating.
KamalaDevi: I like to use Buddha’s wisdom as a litmus test: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Daniel: So Buddha’s classic teaching on right speech. It’s not just true. In the name of truth, people can be assholes. So you want to make sure that what you’re saying is actually true. You want to make sure that “kind” doesn’t mean it’s what the person wants to hear. It means you’re connected to your care for them. It might be hard for them to hear: “Hey, you have an addiction issue.” Or, “Hey, this relationship isn’t right.” Or, simply, “No.” Kindness means you’re actually connected to your care for them in the process. And then useful means there is a purpose to why you’re sharing it. And you’re clear on what that purpose is. And it’s a positive purpose.
KamalaDevi: Also, the original Buddhist texts had right timing in there. And that’s often not taught, but right timing is an important consideration.
3. Leave thy lovers better than you found them.
KD: When I spend time with my lovers, I intend to love them up so that they go back to their other lovers more full of love than before. This personal practice actually applies to everyone who’s life I touch. I am always asking, how can I touch, serve, heal someone so that we are bigger together than either of us are alone.
4. Strive to share and take pleasure in other’s pleasure.
KD: This applies to relationship as well as resources.
5. Seek win-win solutions and Agreements.
KD: Consider the highest good for all in conflict resolution.
6. Thou shalt not compare, assume or project ones own judgements.
KD: Admittedly, this is easier said than done, but we can catch ourselves in the middle of it and clean it up. It gets easier with practice.
Daniel: You’re going to do all those things. Right? You’re going to violate that continuously. So don’t be too hard on yourself. This is that kind of “accept” example.
7. Only add relationships that enhance previously existing ones.
KD: Now this is the biggest key to reducing drama and increasing sustainability. Here’s a metaphor: How many of you are gardeners? So at higher level of gardening, you understand that there are plants that enhance the ecosystem there’s organisms that are destructive. And it’s I’m tending a garden of lovers. And I have Michael – He’s like a mature tree in the center of my yard. He’s rooted and really solid. It’s a natural law. I don’t want to bring in any invasive vines that are going to choke the most solid structure in my garden. I only want to bring in ones that are harmonious and work well with the other plants. So you don’t want one that’s poisoning the other and their root structure.
Daniel: Another thing about this principle: Don’t bring in relationships that are damaging to your existing ones. That means your health, your spirituality, your friendships, your family, your purpose, your work. A relationship should enhance your path, not fuck it up. And if you notice that you’re not sleeping, and your work is suffering, and you feel less connected to your purpose, because you’re so in love, that’s addiction. And it’s stupid. It’s not love.
8. Be congruent with thy YES and thy NO and communicate all changes.
Daniel: So just a little easy way of saying that is, until your “no” is fully empowered, your “yes” is meaningless. Because if you’re saying “yes”, and I’m not 100 percent clear that you can say “no”, and it’s a “maybe”, your “yes” doesn’t mean shit. It might mean people pleasing. It might mean you don’t really know who you are. It might mean you’re going to resent me later for it. So until your “no” is hundred percent empowered, you actually don’t even have a “yes”. Does that make sense? So you want to be in your “yes”s. It’s way more fun. That requires really getting the “no” thing down.
9. Surround thyself with a supportive social network!
Daniel: Surround yourself with support of social network. Make sure you have good peers. Make sure you also – an example of comparison. Have healthy comparisons. Find people that have attained shit that you want, and rather than beat yourself up that you’re not there yet, hang out around them to learn from people that are further along the path in specific areas. Of course you’re totally unique – the relationship you want is totally unique – but no quality in it is unique. You’re a unique combinatorics. Unique set of permutations with qualities that that you can really pioneer. You want people that have good finances, or living their sense of purpose and Dharma well, or have a mature emotional dynamic. Or they exist, and even though you don’t want to be exactly like them, you want to learn from those qualities. So hang out around them and model that. And don’t believe that you’re so iconoclastic that you can’t learn these things from other people.
Kamala Devi: Join us at Poly-Palooza next year!
10. Celebrate consensual sex as healthy, natural and fun!
Daniel: Straightforward stuff!
Stay tunned. Soon I’ll be posting Part 3: Q & A on how not to get fucked up on relationship with Daniel.
Daniel is one of my best friends, an evolutionary visionary. By day he works on restructuring global governance, memetics and environmental problems and by night, as a hobby, he likes to help poly people restructure their messy relationships. So, this is a 3 part blog series from PolyPalooza 2014 which was transcribed. If you loved this article you will enjoy these deeper resources:
Part 1: “How to Not Get Fucked Up In Relationship” The Brain Chemistry of Love & Sex Addiction Click Here.
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