How did I get here, again? I am surprised to find myself back in the hellish hallway with my dear old dance teacher. After many years of grace in the ballroom of life, I somehow got swept into the strong pull of a familiar and chaotic routine. These dizzying steps have left my heart so twisted that I no longer recognize my own reactions.
This topic, above all others, distorts my sense of reality. As firm as I feel rooted in my source of limitless love, I lose my sense of center in the grips of jealousy. It still has the power to throw me into scarcity and separation.
I feel greedy and guarded and not able to receive the love that is obviously on offer. My divine nature becomes inaccessible. I am flooded with the darkest emotions, possessed by the voices of disembodied ancestors who are longing to be seen, heard, validated, and forgiven.
Instead of shaming myself for this ugly, compulsive, and controlling expression, I’m praying for curiosity and compassion. I’m asking my community to hold me through the fits and fever until I’m able to hold myself.
The promise of relief comes from having navigated this before and having guided countless others through self-reflection back into love. I accept that although I must go through this myself, I don’t have to go through it alone.
Through the years, I’ve collected a vast medicine bag of various practices and I have come to know that jealousy, at its essence, is a teacher. On the other side of this suffocating panic, there will be new levels of understanding. I have to be willing to face my unresolved past pains, unmet needs, and unspeakable desires, in order to live free and love big.
I also have the bitter wisdom that this process cannot be rushed. Leaning in too hard is like ingesting poison. I cannot force integration. My system needs time to digest and transmute it into the antidote. I must be gentle as I go through rounds of purging and delusion before I can receive its benefit.
So it is. And here I spin, humbly letting down my guard, leaning into tenderness. Honoring my limited physical capacity to receive love. This is a portal I have to pass through to access transcendent truth. No matter how many times I’ve done this dance, there is a next threshold that requires sacrifice and surrender!