Jealousy is usually the first topic that comes up when beginning a conversation about ethical nonmonogamous, polyamorous, or open relationships. And it’s an incredibly complex and misunderstood topic, so I’d like to clear up the confusion by calling out a few of the common misconceptions about jealousy:
- If you’re not jealous, it’s because you don’t really care about your partner. (Jealousy is a sign of love.)
- Spiritually enlightened people don’t feel jealousy. (If you feel jealousy, you must not be doing your spiritual work.)
- I’m jealous because of something my partner did, therefore it’s their fault. (And if they really loved me, they wouldn’t do that thing.)
- We can’t control our Jealousy. (Even murderers have been excused with temporary insanity in a court of law after killing their spouse in a jealous rage.)
- If you want to transcend jealousy, just ignore it. (If you don’t feed it any energy it will just go away.)
First of all, it’s important to note that Polyamory is not the solution to jealousy any more than monogamy is. Sometimes having multiple lovers lessens my insecurity, fear of loss, or feeling left out – but other times it heightens it.
In my 20 year experience of navigating an open marriage with multiple long-term relationships, while mentoring countless non-monogamous lovers around the world, I can safely say that jealousy is a natural emotional reaction and doesn’t have to be considered negative, unwanted, or ugly.
How Much Jealousy is Too Much Jealousy?
I consider Jealousy a powerful medicine and a spiritual teacher. Like any plant medicine, we have to be mindful of the dosage, as too much can act as a poison. And like any good spiritual teacher, Jealousy can challenge us to the core, helping us outgrow old versions of who we thought we were.
When Jealousy arises, instead of blaming your beloved or their lovers, you may want to ask: what’s really going on? Jealousy is just a warning signal on the dashboard that something deeper is overheating, and it’s time to look under the hood. We can use our emotions as warning signs to slow down and self inquire.
Learn the Language of Jealousy
Since jealousy is often an umbrella term for a wide mix of emotions and unmet needs, you may want to ask yourself: Am I insecure? Afraid of loss? Possessive? Feeling out of control? Do I feel rejected, or is this a fairness issue?
And once you’ve identified what is happening, ask yourself is this a pattern? What does this remind me of? When was the last time I felt this way? When was the first time I can remember feeling this way?
The answer to these questions can help you and your partner(s) gain invaluable insights and build more conscious relationships.
And this is not a one-time survey, this is an ongoing process. Relationships are works in progress and growth is a spiral path rather than a linear one.
These are just some of the common misconceptions:
- If you’re not jealous, it’s because you don’t really care about your partner. (Jealousy is a sign of love.)
- Spiritually enlightened people don’t feel jealousy. (If you feel jealousy, you must not be doing your spiritual work.)
- I’m jealous because of something my partner did, therefore it’s their fault. (And if they really loved me, they wouldn’t do that thing.)
- We can’t control our Jealousy. (Even murderers have been excused with temporary insanity in a court of law after killing their spouse in a jealous rage.)
- If you want to transcend jealousy, just ignore it. (If you don’t feed it any energy it will just go away.)
TIP: Suppressing a feeling doesn’t make it go away, it just shoves it into the basement of our nervous system, where it lurks, getting ready for a surprise attack later. I don’t recommend it.
Instead, it’s good to identify the feeling…and feel it by letting the energy run through your body without indulging in the story. Healthy emotions eventually move and change, however, if it triggers an old trauma and you feel like you’re stuck in quicksand, you may need to call for support to help move through it.